


places to go, sights to see

by Mayarene Rose (Paradise_of_Mary_Jane)



Category: Doctor Who (2005), Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Crack, Crossover, Hijinx, M/M, Vacation
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-23
Updated: 2017-07-23
Packaged: 2018-12-02 12:55:55
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,637
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11509884
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Paradise_of_Mary_Jane/pseuds/Mayarene%20Rose
Summary: This is what Yuuri knows: There is a giant green monster blob, a man with a blue box, and a planet called Barcelona. Also there's time travel.(“Time and Relative Dimension in Space,” the Doctor had proudly explained which made absolutely no sense. But then, nothing in the past hour had made any kind of sense so Yuuri’s willing to go with it.It's probably not a dream.Probably.)





	places to go, sights to see

**Author's Note:**

> I haven't watched DW in years but I had to set it there, okay? It is a physical need. I was completely set on setting this fic on an alien planet the moment I saw the prompt but I wasn't sure how to do it. I almost made a complete space AU and then I saw a gifset of the ninth doctor and... Doctor Who canonically has a planet called Barcelona with dogs with no noses. It is literally the planet of Victuuri's dreams and I couldn't not make them go there. This fic is the result.
> 
> All you really need to know about Doctor Who to understand this fic is that there's a guy who travels through time and space which is bigger on the inside, encountering a bunch of aliens and general weirdness along the way. Sometimes, he picks random people up to travel with him for varying periods of time.
> 
> This fic is pure crack and I don't even know what it's supposed to be but it was fun to write so please enjoy!
> 
> For Day 1 of Yuuri Week: Terra Incognita

Of all the things Yuuri expected to happen in his life, getting chased in circles with his husband in an ice rink by a huge, green blob that looks like it came straight out of a bad nineties horror movie is definitely not one of them.

Three things about his current situation:

  1. He is supposed alone with Viktor in the rink, well into the night. Viktor had made sure that they were definitely alone at the rink at this hour with an amount of money that had too much zeroes, in Yuuri’s opinion after the last… incident involving the two of them on one of their late night practices, Yakov, Yurio, and some of the rink staff. The less said about the incident, the better.
  2. They are not alone. Yuuri knows this because he saw the giant green monster blob shove a man and woman into a broom closet. Yuuri hadn’t really been able to comprehend anything about them other than huge brown coat and blonde hair because, to reiterate:
  3. They are being chased by a huge, green monster blob.



“What did you do?” Yuuri manages to ask as he thanks every single event in his life that led him to become an International figure skater which had given him the skills and killer stamina to manage to not be eaten alive by… whatever it is that’s chasing them.

“It was just there!” Viktor shouts back. He is gripping Yuuri’s hand in a vice grip. “I went into the locker room and--”

He’s cut off by  the thing shooting up an arm? (how do blobs even have arms?) and encasing Viktor’s leg in a thick arm of goo and slowly begins sucking him in. Viktor falls and hell no, Yuuri is not about to let him go that easily. He went through too much to be where he is now and he is not about to let a cheap nineties horror movie monster to take that away. That would just be plain embarrassing. He tightens his grip on Viktor’s hand and pulls with all his strength.

“Let him go! Let him go you giant, disgusting, ugly blob!”

Let it be known that Katsuki Yuuri is the absolute worst at insults in the face of death.

He lifts up a foot and kicks it with all his might… Only for his foot to be encased in the goo, as well. Well damn.

A distant part of Yuuri wonders what the hell he ate for dinner earlier to give him such weird dreams because no way in hell this is real. There is a silence encasing his mind and Yuuri is grateful to his brain for staving off his panic until he’s been successfully consumed.

“Yuuri leave me behind!” Viktor cries. “Save yourself!” He actually tries to pry Yuuri’s fingers off his hand, even as the blob is slowly sucking him in. Yuuri slaps his hand away in annoyance. It’s taking all of his concentration just to keep himself steady and upright. He does not need the added distraction of stupid Russian fiancés who apparently has a hero complex in the face of death.

“Don’t be stupid,” he says. “Is this thing actually trying to eat you?!”

“I told you, save yourself!”

“I’m not leaving you, you stupid man,” Yuuri yells. “And I couldn’t even if I wanted to because this thing is currently trying to eat my foot!”

Viktor looks up, alarmed. His eyes are wide and blue, mouth parted in shock. His face is stricken and combined with the fact that the monster has now sucked him up to mid-thigh and the way Yuuri’s holding him, he can’t help it; he bursts into uncontrollable giggles. It is singularly the most ridiculous sight Yuuri’s ever seen, and he was there for Yurio’s exhibition skate circa 2015.

Yuuri doesn’t know how long it is where the only sound is his giggles and a squelching sound that is probably the sound of Viktor and Yuuri’s foot getting eaten, but it feels like an eternity. The feeling of being eaten alive by a big pile of goo is oddly soothing; like stepping into a warm bath after a hard day’s practice, that is if the warm bath is a sickly looking green and is currently trying to suck you into its body where it will probably slowly digest every bit of flesh you have. Yuuri wonders if they’re going to be conscious for it. He hopes they aren’t. It sounds horribly uncomfortable.

“Yuuri,” Viktor says, voice suddenly, terrifyingly calm. “I don’t think this is the time to be laughing.”

Yuuri giggles harder.

“We’re getting eaten by a blob of slime,” he says. “Can you imagine the headlines? Top Figure skaters defeated by a pile of goo!”

Yakov will shout at them about putting up a better image, Yurio will probably bring them back to life out of pure spite and mock them for dying such a ridiculous death and depriving him of competitors. Yuuri can just imagine his family’s reaction; mostly a mixture of laughter and resignation. Everyone in Hasetsu is perfectly aware how underwhelming he is in life, no one would be surprised if it also happens in death.

(Okay, so his life’s not as underwhelming as it was before but it _was,_ so it’s not like anyone will be surprised. Yuuri is trying to make a point dammit.)

The giggles are so hard it’s shaking his entire body, shaking it so hard that he’s finding it hard to keep his balance as the goo monster crawls up to his knee. There are tears in his eyes and he’s finding it hard to breathe and oh. Oh.

“Please stay calm,” Viktor begs, voice on the verge of panicking because Yuuri is panicking. He is well and truly panicking. It’s a welcome revelation. It’s a more logical reaction, at any rate. Yuuri never really thought of himself as the ‘laughing in the face of death’ type.

“Okay everyone, stay calm!”

Yuuri and Viktor’s head snaps up to find two people running towards them; the same two people Yuuri had seen trapped in the broom cupboard. Yuuri giggles harder and okay, he’s not giggling anymore; it feels a lot more like crying now.

The man stops about a foot before them and raises a hand holding… A blue light.

“Seriously?” Viktor says.

“Stay calm, sir.” The blonde woman stops beside the man, regarding them with bright eyes. The two of them look positively cheerful and excited, all things considered, which is a bit insulting, considering that Yuuri and his boyfriend/fiancé are going to die and all that. “We’re getting you out of this in a jiffy!”

There’s an odd screeching sound in the air and the blob of goo just… disintegrates. Crumbles to fine grey dust and where did that even come from? The monster was green and definitely not made of dust. Yuuri falls on his butt with the loss of support. Viktor falls face first into the ice with a hard sound. The two of them stare at the two people who are standing.

“There you go,” the man says cheerfully. “All safe now. Nothing to worry about.”

“It was trying to eat us,” Viktor says.

“Well, it’s a semi-sentient chemical compound controlled by a billion nanobots. It’ll latch onto any living creature and try to consume it for organic samples, and well, it latched onto you first. But a good wave from the good ‘ol sonic screwdriver to disrupt their frequencies and all fixed. Really, you were in no danger at all.”

“It was trying to eat us,” Viktor repeats.

The blonde woman puts a hand on the man’s shoulders and whispers something in his ear. Yuuri is distinctly reminded of Makkachin when he’s being told off with the way the man’s mouth opens in a distinct whine.

“Oh but yes, sorry about that. I’m being rude again, aren’t I? This body’s really a rude one, isn’t it? I’m the Doctor, by the way, this is Rose.”

He holds out his hand as if expecting them to shake it. Yuuri doesn’t think he could move even if he tried. The only thing he can really focus on right now is Viktor’s hand and the fact that he has not been eaten by a giant blob of goo. He’s not crying anymore but it feels like he should be. He feels a bit like breaking down into hysterics, just for the novelty of it. From the way Viktor is gripping his hand, Yuuri thinks that it’s a shared sentiment.

A beat passes, then two. When it becomes clear that neither of them are inclined to do anything other than stare, the Doctor withdraws his hand.

“Tell you what,” he says, clapping his hands together. “Since it’s technically maybe possibly my fault the goo monster followed you around, I’m going to give the two of you an all-expense paid vacation. Think of it as a wedding gift.”

“Wedding gift?”

“Oops. I must’ve mixed up my dates again. Don’t think too much about that. So what do you say?”

“What?” Yuuri manages to say.

“A trip,” the Doctor says. “I’ve wanted to go back to Barcelona for the longest time now. I know just the perfect spot to sightsee. I’m sure you’d love it there. There’s a beach with the loveliest white sand and the cutest most adorable dogs in the entire universe. One week long vacation, just for you!”

There’s something about the man that is very, very hard to say no to. He talks so fast, making little to no sense and Yuuri’s brain is still stuck on giant, green monster blob and he almost opens his mouth to say yes and--

“Worlds,” Viktor says. “We’re leaving for Worlds in three days.”

Right. Worlds. The first time he and Viktor will compete as fiancés. Yuuri had been half-dreading, half-looking forward to it. He’ll finally be able to skate on the same ice as Viktor as an equal.

Except would it really be an equal? There’s still a huge part of Yuuri’s brain that thinks he’s nothing more than a dime-a-dozen skater with aspirations far above his caliber. It really doesn’t help that he didn’t land a single clean quad in practice today. A vacation would be nice, he thinks. After Worlds he and Viktor are _definitely_ going on vacation.

“I can have you back by morning,” the Doctor says. “I have your practice taken care of and Barcelona has some of the greatest ice skating facilities in the quadrant. It’s as if you’ve never left at all.”

The woman--Rose--coughs pointedly.

“I’ll probably have you back by morning,” the Doctor corrects. “There’s _at least_ a ninety percent chance I'll have you back by morning. Anyway, I’m not about to make the two of you miss the World Championships. It’s a very important event in the history of figure skating!”

“Wha--How will you get us back by morning if we’re staying in Barcelona for a week?”

The Doctor tilts his head, looking very much like a confused puppy. “We’re going to travel in time, of course. Did I not tell you that?”

\--

“ _Oh my god_.”

“They’re going to say it,” Rose says, clutching the Doctor’s hand excitedly. The Doctor has a manic grin on his face. He seems to be a rather manic person. “Oh my god they’re going to say it.”

“Are you seeing this, love?” Viktor asks Yuuri. “Am I hallucinating?”

Yuuri looks around, takes a step out and walks around the police box, then steps in again. He looks around again. He _wishes_ he was hallucinating and he’s still not ruling out the dream. He takes Viktor’s hand and it makes him feel a bit better; Viktor is real. This is real. Yuuri can believe this is real.

“You’re not hallucinating,” Yuuri says. “It’s definitely bigger on the inside.”

\--

“This isn’t Barcelona,” Viktor says when the screeching had ended and they’d finally stepped out of the T.A.R.D.I.S.

(“Time and Relative Dimension in Space,” the Doctor had proudly explained which made absolutely no sense. But then, nothing in the past hour had made any kind of sense so Yuuri’s willing to go with it.

He’s pinched himself several times and he still hasn’t woken up so it’s probably not a dream.

Probably.)

Yuuri squeezes Viktor’s hand. They haven’t let go of each other since the monster. The mere thought of the loss of contact is foreboding. Yuuri thinks that a zombie or ghost may pop out of nowhere and take his fiancé away if he takes his eyes off Viktor for a single second. Considering the day he’s had, it’s not impossible.

The beach they’re standing on is beautiful. They’re looking out onto a beach that was definitely not in Barcelona. Yuuri looks up and sees two suns and a moon.

Definitely not Barcelona.

The Doctor regards the sea with a huge grin.

“Not Barcelona the city. The _planet_ Barcelona.”

“There’s a planet called Barcelona?” Yuuri asks.

“Amazing isn’t it?” Rose is grinning at them, tongue poking between her teeth and practically vibrating with excitement. It’s obvious that she’s more used to the Doctor’s ‘travelling’ than Yuuri thinks he’ll ever be.

“They’ve got dogs with no noses,” Rose tells them and Yuuri immediately perks up. Dogs? There are dogs here? Dogs. He needs to find the dogs and hug them. The Doctor nods in affirmation.

“Just down the beach. Planet’s filled with them,” he says. Yuuri’s already running, Viktor right beside him. It’s one of the many things the two of them agree on: Dogs are the most important things in the universe and it is their pre-ordained duty to pet and hug as many as possible. They’re still working on the communication thing but they’ve always been perfectly in-sync when it comes to dogs.

“Don’t stray too far,” the Doctor calls out. “And don’t look for trouble.”

“Dogs,” Yuuri says.

“Dogs,” Viktor agrees, a heart shaped smile on his face. It’s already shaping up to be the most amazing vacation ever.

\--

They find an ice rink.

Granted, they also find about twenty dogs with no noses on the rink, looking for all the world like a greeting party, but they also find an ice rink. A perfectly maintained ice rink.

“Huh,” Yuuri says. “Guess we can still practice if only we had--”

A dog nudges a speaker and a tablet towards him. It doesn’t has a nose. It has a snout but there’s only fur where its nose should be. Yuuri thinks he’s fallen in love all over again. The tablet has both his music for the SP and his FS. Their pair skate exhibition is also there. Huh.

“This is a weird planet,” Yuuri says to Viktor. “I think I’m in love.”

“Me too,” Viktor says, wrapping an arm around Yuuri in response. “We are taking a dog home with us, love, no arguments. Now, let’s get to skating?”

“Skating,” Yuuri agrees. He wasn’t planning to argue, anyway. He would have brought it up himself if Viktor hadn’t.

Obviously, these dogs need a proper, loving home.

The dogs sit at the stands while Viktor and Yuuri are getting ready. Yuuri could almost swear that the dogs are watching them eagerly and anticipating their practice. He doesn’t question it. Obviously these dogs are amazing and smart and clever.

\--

“You look happier,” Viktor says. He’s right in front of Yuuri, leaning down so that their noses are almost touching. “More relaxed. And you’re landing all your jumps.”

“It’s easier here,” Yuuri admits. “There are only you and adorable dogs watching me. If I fail…”

“You’re not going to fail.” Viktor takes his hands and presses a kiss to his knuckles. “Tell you what, when you skate in Worlds, think of this rink. Don’t think of the crowds or the score, just this rink on another planet, surrounded by dogs.”

Yuuri lets out a laugh. “The dogs with no noses?” he asks.

“You think it’s adorable, don’t pretend. You won’t be nervous then,” Viktor finishes. “And the world will finally see how great of a skater you actually are. Not that they haven’t already.”

Yuuri lets out a laugh.

“Greater than you?” he teases. Viktor’s smile only softens and Yuuri’s heart stutters in his chest. _I am going to marry this man_ , he thinks, _or so help me..._

“Always,” Viktor says.

\--

The Doctor finds them a week later in the ice rink surrounded by the sweetest, most adorable dogs in existence. They indeed had no noses but that only makes them all the more cute. Viktor agrees. Yuuri wonders if they can take one home with them. He’s pretty sure Viktor wants to adopt three.

(The dogs are weirdly attuned to their skating needs. They don’t even need to say anything, a dog will just suddenly be giving them their water bottles or skate guards whenever they need it. A dog has set up a video device more than once so that they can film Yuuri’s practice.

Viktor and Yuuri take this as a sign that they are meant to adopt these dogs.)

There’s a particularly adorable one that Yuuri’s grown attached to. She has an uncanny habit of snuggling close to his chest and Yuuri’s not a monster so of course he lets her.

“We’re taking them home,” Yuuri tells the Doctor.

“Ah, that might not be a good idea,” he says. “Alien life forms and all that. These are not your run of the mill dogs. How will you explain the no nose part?”

Yuuri clutches the dog closer to his chest and she lets him, clawing at his chest and giving hm a dozen kisses. Makkachin will love her, he knows it. They will snuggle and play together and love each other because they are adorable and the loveliest creature in the entire universe. Yurio will pretend to hate her but secretly sneak her treats during dinner.

“She’s ours,” Viktor says and Yuuri nods fervently. He is holding another three in his lap. “They’re all ours.”

“Okaaay then,” the Doctor says. “Can’t really stop you, can I?”

“No,” they say together.

“So how was the honeymoon?” the Doctor asks.

“We’re not married,” Yuuri says.

“Wibbly-wobbly, timey-wimey,” the Doctor says, waving a dismissive hand.

“I think we should go home now,” Yuuri says. “This was fun.”

“You’re absolutely right.”

Viktor takes his hand. He’s holding two dogs in his other hand.

“Let’s go home,” Yuuri says.

\--

“Who are they Doctor?” Rose asks as they see off the two men. “Why’d you let them take the dogs?”

The Doctor sighs, though there’s a wide smile on his lips. “There’s no stopping those two when it comes to dogs. I think they had twelve dogs by the time they turned eighty.”

“And you know all of this how?”

“I know lots of things, Rose.”

Rose leans over the console and nudges him with her foot, a smirk on her lips.

“Have I ever told you the history of the planet Barcelona? Colonized around the 23rd century, with mammalian creatures with intelligence past human cognition. It became a winter sport colony; the weather’s perfect for it; large expanses of never melting ice for practice, and right next to it is a tropical place to relax the old bones. The first humans who touched down taught the dogs everything about winter sports, its history, rules, training, to assist the athletes who come there to train.”

Rose frowns. “That sounds horrible.”

“Oh it is. Humans aren’t very good at finding other civilizations and not taking over it, but it generally turned out to be a good thing. It only took several hundred years before the dogs re-took over their planet and has introduced winter sports to the entire galaxy.”

“Even the planets that have no winter?”

“Rose most of Earth doesn’t have winter. That never stopped humans before.”

Rose grins. “Point,” she says. “But what’s that got to do with them?”

“Well, like I said, the dogs know the entire history of figure skating and those two--Yuuri Katsuki and Viktor Nikiforov--are two of the greatest figure skaters of all time! The World Championship--the one they’re going to now--will go down in your history books for being one of the tightest, most beautiful competitions in the world. The dogs were thrilled when they stepped onto the planet. Couldn’t have stopped them from going with Yuuri and Viktor even if I tried. They’d probably maul me.”

“Why’d you take them here in the first place?”

“I was sorry! I nearly got them eaten by a nanobot monster before one of the most important events in figure skating history!”

“Ah,” Rose says. Her smirk widens. “You missed, didn’t you?”

“We have time,” the Doctor says, blinking innocently. “And I was only a few days and a couple hundred miles off. And give me a break, we were running for our lives! Beisdes, we still got to meet them, didn’t we?”

“You’re a fan,” Rose says, a huge grin on her face.

“Pfft, of course I’m a fan! Just you wait till you see them skate. The dark-haired one? Yuuri Katsuki, this is where he begins to take his very large spot on the history books.”

Rose turns away and stares at the console. She snakes an arm against the Doctor’s. There’s a soft smile on her lips.

“Come on then,” she says. “Let’s go. I can’t wait to see history being made. Try not to miss this time.”

The Doctor grins. “Oh ye of little faith, Rose. We’ll get there eventually, and in the meantime allons-y!” he says. The T.A.R.D.I.S. lets out a deafening shriek as it slowly disappears into time and space.

"Time to watch history being made."

 

**Author's Note:**

> This is crack. This is the crackiest type of crack out there and I never imagined I'd make something like this.  
> Come say hi on [tumblr](http://katsuki-nikifcrov.tumblr.com)!


End file.
